I AM LOUD

I was born loud, and I’ve been loud all of my life—I hate it. When I was little, I used to get in trouble a lot as a result of sheer volume. My Mother went to meet with my fifth-grade teacher to find out why I was always in trouble. My Mother asked, “Is Teri really bad?”

“No,” the teacher replied. “But she is the one I always hear.”

It was awful during high school because I struggled to be quiet and demure. But if I got too excited or had one unguarded moment, the loudness took over. It was terrible.

My poor husband. On our first date, we went to a really nice restaurant. I got too excited when I spoke to the waiter and was very loud. When the waiter walked away, my husband whispered, “Do you mind using your inside voice?”

Loudness was one of those things in my life that embarrassed me. Frustrated me. Made me feel inferior to everyone else. I just kept thinking that if I could conquer this thing, this weakness, this flaw, I could be better somehow, a more improved version of myself.

When I made the decision in college to become a Jesus follower, I thought Christ the Lord would surely heal me of my loudness. He did not.

After college, I went to China to teach English with a team of two other women: Irma, who was 65 and had actually been born in China to missionary parents, and Deborah, who was about my age but had a master’s degree in education and was super smart. We were the only three foreigners on the campus of 14,000 eager-to-learn-English university students.

After a few weeks on campus, the Communist Party Secretary came to visit me in my room. His name was Lao Seung.

Lao Seung was in charge of monitoring the three American English teachers. Each week he met with us to discuss appropriate dress. For example, red was not a color allowed to be worn in the classroom. He explained that teachers were not allowed to wear nail polish of any kind as it set a bad example for the students and we were never allowed to wear blue jeans because they were too radical and a symbol of the West. So imagine my anxiety when Lao Seung made a surprise, non-scheduled visit. I was sure I was in trouble.

Lao Seung looked very serious, “Everyone on campus has English fever! Everyone wants to learn English from a native English speaker! We don’t have enough teachers for this campus. Teacher Teri, will you give an all-campus lecture each week in the English language? We will invite everyone on campus to come and they can hear a native-English lecture. Will you do it?”

He told me everyone would be invited from the university’s president to the cleaning ladies. Professors and students. And their families. It would be open to everyone affiliated with the university.

I was surprised and a little nervous.

“I’d be happy to, Lao Seung. But what do you want me to lecture on each week?” I asked.

“It doesn’t matter! We won’t pay you for this, so you pick the topic,” he said with a smile.

You see at this time in China, Communist officials were cracking down on a thing called “spiritual pollution.” Spiritual pollution was anything that contradicted basic communist philosophy. On the top of the pollutant list was Christianity. We three American English teachers were not allowed to speak of our faith. We were not allowed to speak of Jesus or the Bible or pass out tracts. We couldn’t preach on the street corners or share our love for Jesus in conversations with our students or in our classrooms. If we had broken these rules we would have been kicked out of the country—not just the offender, but the entire team. However, we prayed in private for our students. We loved them the best we knew how and we asked God to move upon our campus in ways only He could.

“You don’t care what I lecture on?” I asked Lao Seung again, just to make sure.

He nodded. “No. You decide.”

“Well, Lao Seung, I’d like to lecture on heroes of Hebrew literature. You know, tell stories of heroic men and women of old.” I tested the waters.

Old Lao Seung thought about it for a moment, scratching his chin. Then he smiled and held both thumbs up, “Yes! Very good. Heroes of Hebrew literature. I don’t know what that is exactly, but it sounds very interesting!”

The Heroes of Hebrew were simply the men and women from the Old Testament. Abraham, David, Daniel, Esther, Ruth and Moses—men and women of valor who had exceptional stories. I was thankful for all the years I taught Sunday School for three-year-olds. I knew the stories in simple English and I knew them by heart. I loved these stories.

The first week of the Thursday night lecture series, Lao Seung came to escort me over to the lecture hall. It was one of those lecture halls that was built like a theater with the seating stacked to the ceiling and the platform at the bottom of the classroom. Lao Seung and I walked in and the room, which was built for about 300 or 350 people, was packed with over 600 Chinese. There were old and young and educated and not educated. There was the best professor on campus and the guy who swept the sidewalks. Children of instructors and lots and lots of students. The president and vice president of the university were sitting on the front row. I was amazed. I was struck. There really was English fever on campus.

Before the lecture began and everyone was getting settled in, I started getting nervous. I wasn’t expecting such a crowd and I started feeling ill-prepared. Lao Seung and I were sitting on the platform and I leaned over to ask him, “Lao Seung, why did you choose me to give the all-campus lectures? Why not Irma or Deborah?” I’d started feeling overwhelmed sitting on that platform in front of all those people.

Lao Seung cocked his head back, a little surprised, “Are you kidding me? We have no PA system and you’re the only one loud enough!”

And that’s when it hit me: God had designed me loud for a reason. He had actually created my DNA with a loud gene for this very time and this very day. The thing that I hated about myself, the thing that I thought was my biggest weakness, my biggest shame, was actually part of the reason God had designed me. Because He knew one day He would send a big, loud girl to China and each week He would make a way for her to tell 600 spiritually starving Chinese about a God who is personal, loving, faithful, and Who keeps His promises. Those Chinese heard of God’s faithfulness to Abraham in giving him a son long after it was physically possible. They learned of a young shepherd boy who slew a giant and became a king. They heard of Daniel in the lions’ den and how God parted the Red Sea so Moses could lead his people across on dry land.

My weakness, my flaw, my shameful trait, was in truth the very way God had created me because in my weakness, He showed Himself mighty. He used my foolishness to confound the wise.

Eric Liddell, the Scottish Olympic gold medalist, was a runner. He won a gold and a bronze medal in the 1924 Olympics in Paris. Once, his sister Jenny criticized him, complaining that running was a waste of time and that he should go to China as a missionary. If you’ve seen Chariots of Fire you know this scene. Jenny’s scolding her brother, “Oh Eric! I don’t know why you waste your time with this runnin’ and racin’.” Eric shyly smiled at his well-meaning sister.

“Oh Jenny. Don’t you know? God made me fast and when I run I feel His good pleasure.”

Well, God made me loud. And when I’m loud I feel His good pleasure.

What has God made you for? What is the thing in your life you believe is your biggest weakness and flaw? We serve a God Who takes those things in our lives we may hate the most and He turns them for good and oftentimes, we, His children, discover that they weren’t really flaws at all. They are our greatest strengths. This way He receives all the glory and all the praise.

For two years, every Thursday night at the all-campus lecture, a big, loud girl from Kansas was privileged to tell a packed lecture room of God’s mercy and love and faithfulness. They heard of a compassionate God who longs to be in fellowship with His people. And I know they heard me…even way up near the rafters. Peace.

Ephesians 2:10, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them” (NKJV).

— Teri

Teri with two of her former students, Lily (far left) and Helen (next to Teri), on a train platform in Jinhua, China, in 1999.